everyone wants to do things their own way, to work things the way they want it to work. maybe that's the cause of stubborness. i don't know what's gotten into me lately or maybe even for the past several months but all i can see is the unaccepting side of me of the ways that i can't seem to follow nor am i considering to follow. is it an issue of submission? i'm not wanting to follow certain orders but i think i'm seeing myself in the position of possibly having a split personality. or most probably, that is the case...
i think this may very well be the 'last' entry i'll write in here as this blog is no longer a blog of which i'm really attached to whatsoever.
i'm a quiet person as everyone knows, i can't stand having too much noise around me. and in fact, i'm always longing to seek a place of quietness if EVER possible. quietness doesn't necessarily literally mean no noise...but i guess it consists of me being alone and not having people surrounding me making unnecessary/irrelevant comments that of which mostly are ones that are used to attack me. and during retreat & prayer walk several months ago, i found a sense of peace being alone and being able to appreciate the waves of the water...the sight of nature.
i guess ever since my mini 'break' started, i didn't want to talk much and now that i'm back to work, i HAVE to talk but don't really want to. in fact i feel like my throat is kind of burnt out but not as bad as it was yesterday i suppose. i hate arguing and all i ever find myself constantly is in arguments, mostly with parents. i'm tired of it, i really don't even want to open up my voice and in fact i want to escape, i long to be somewhere else constantly.
have you ever screamed in silence? i came to the point where i was doing exactly that last night. i'm sick of myself, the way i am with this split personality where on the one hand i can be this 'nice, caring, good girl' with my friends but when it comes down to being at home with my parents i feel ridiculously opposite of what people think of me. i treat them terribly and i'm not giving myself an excuse for my behaviour but i can't seem to live under the 'rules' of which are not fostered with the kind of 'rationality' that makes sense to me. nothing at home really makes sense to me and it's driving me up the walls. i think i've been supressing many things the past several months or more maybe even the whole year trying to cope with the changes. i'm not saying the changes aren't good because most of the changes have helped me grow just that maybe i didn't take the time to really pace myself.
for a month or so maybe i kept hearing my god brother say to jars "there may be a lot of brokeness and fears..." (i forgot what he said exactly now, my memory isn't functioning to my desire at the moment) but all i kept thinking was how the 'fears' part was applicable to me so much but now i'm starting to realize that 'brokeness' is also just as applicable. i remember months ago he said he sensed my brokeness when i truly did feel overwhelmed and he was praying for jars and the whole time he sensed it and perhaps it was too much that he had trouble praying the whole prayer and stopped. part of me wants to give up everything so bad but i'm trying to find a bigger part of me to press onwards, to persevere. i'm finding it so hard at the moment. i'm so tired.... i just need to step away from distractions of which i will & must do...
on the side: noticed this dorky mv. but as dorky as it is, it's still good! (interesting how she collaborated w/ daniel choo..i've watched his other youtube videos since who knows when...small world!) jennifer chung - i don't know, let's sing!
there's been definitely a lot of thoughts that have been running through my head these past several days. i don't know if it's because i have some time off so i automatically have a bit of time 'freed up' to start letting my thoughts run like madness... and i honestly don't think that's exactly a good thing..but it's good to slow down & rest that's for sure..
so you know how we tend to think 'what if...' i get stuck in those kinds of thoughts a lot of the times. but i think i've come to the point where i can stop questioning about the past...well i guess to the point where i don't question all THAT much... i just accept that things happened for as it did for a reason. and i've learnt to let go of many things of which i used to grasp onto so hard despite the fact that things have slipped from my hands already. lesson learnt since last year i can say actually. i've come to realize that i can brush it all off because many things don't exactly as much as i used to think it would because in fact there's so many other matters i need to attend to as is that i realize that if things are not of necessities it shouldn't matter.
standardizations...i struggle with that. do i live by my own or by other people's. it's a big contradiction as i am selective in many ways when it comes to this. and i guess i'm living in the shadow b/c i'm haunted by being indecisive in many ways. i know i tend to be vague but i think it's also because i have trouble describing what i think.. i think i live by my own standards most of the time but when it comes to the point where i start to feel like i'm being criticized or that i'm being closely watched by the words/actions i make i tend to turn to the standards of other people. the reason behind this is b/c of the fear of having them criticize me to the point which i feel truly uncomfortable at which point i turn completely away from it all (people & situation). i've learnt to do things that way, i've learnt to 'adapt' this way, and some may say that i find my escape that way or even maybe that i'm suppressing things? perhaps it's just that i never feel all that comfortable in my own skin and i feel that people eventually will discover of the bad (really bad) side of me of which they don't realize initially. and in which case they'll start to blame me perhaps for putting up 'a front' of which i didn't intentionally try to put whatsoever. yes these strange thoughts pester me a lot. i feel like i have a misperception of myself and i think other people have a misperception of myself as well...if that even make sense b/c once again i have no clue how to put 'em into words. i can probably ramble on and on about me being unable to put things into words but perhaps i should really end it off here before i start to become more and more confusing...not that i'm not already anyway..
It's been a very very long time since I've last posted here. It'll probably be boxing day by the time I post this though.
Strangely, I had an urge to write here this morning but somehow I didn't end up doing so as it was a rush to eat breakfast, shower, & head over to my aunt/uncle's place in Whitby. I don't even know why we went so early, it felt so strange going this year without my grandmother around. And especially so that there was really nothing to do there to keep us 'entertained'. And I guess our 'bond' is not exactly the strongest, in fact sometimes it's a bit awkward for the things that are said & done (side note: it's strange to log onto this blog b/c i've forgotten my password within maybe 1 month's time frame. i forgot it about a month ago when i tried to log on and reset it. and then i tried to log on a while ago and had trouble and had to reset again. i think i'll probably ditch this blog after this entry!?)
Anyway, the things I wanted to write out kind of vanished from my mind though and it's sad to say 'cuz that happens a little too often.
Looking back on this year, which I haven't exactly done all that much and not to the extent as I have in the many years that have passed, it's been filled with many many many changes... I think maybe this year has been filled with the most changes and most struggles of any year. But I guess you can also say that I've also discovered many new things of which I truly embrace & am grateful for.
I guess you can say that the first half of the year was mostly filled with struggles..or more so 3/4 of the year was full of struggles. This year seemed to fly by so quickly that sometimes I forget that the things that have happened this year was indeed from this year. My memory is just not so intact. Perhaps I have learnt to repress things so much that I'm not too sure if things have happened the way they did or if it even happened at all. But I'm certainly glad that I'm able to let go of things much unlike in the past. I'm not bothered/pestered by things that have occurred as I would've if it was me maybe 2 or more years ago. I just brush it off and walk onwards. Which brings me to the fact that I have discovered much about myself. One of the big things is that much of my life I've let myself get caught up in my fears/insecurities. I always think I'm not good enough to be involved/be a part of many many things. And I was asked Summer '07 during the first meeting for softball what my biggest fear was. My answer was 'everything'...and I was being honest about it because I AM afraid of everything. I know it'll take me many many steps to stop fearing but I'm willing to work on it. I think one of the ideas I've struggled with is how we're often told to step out of our 'comfort zone' but somehow I just couldn't grasp that idea as I felt that I didn't know what a 'comfort zone' really is like. I never feel comfortable in my own skin, for the things I say or do, for anything & everything you can possibly think of. But then I guess somehow I realize that it's not about having a 'comfort zone' b/c it's not something that you're meant to really step back to as it would be just the same as going back to your old self which is not exactly the kind of person you'd want to be if you want to grow.
I could probably ramble on and on about so many things that have occurred this year but I'll refrain from doing so and if you're all that interested I'd probably rather speak of it in person. I think another struggle of mine is the fact that sometimes I really don't know what I want vs. what I really need. I think I've figured it out just that sometimes I turn back to the wrong ways because I don't even know if what I'm doing is really right or wrong. So rather than thinking about it I somehow end up going with the flow which I guess I'm not used to as I'd rather know/map things out and know my direction and then stick by an actual decision. It's strange to say as I AM an indecisive person but I guess that's just exactly what makes me kind of contradictive and it makes me a nonsensical person.
As you can tell I might be jumping from thought to thought. It's just 'cuz I'm bad a piecing together my thoughts to be coherent. I get tired of my own thoughts a lot of the times...I feel like my thoughts run in circles like some crazy person. Sometimes I just don't even want to talk the whole day or hear any voices speak. I long for that so much but it's so rare that that'd ever happen to be honest. There's no escape. And again it makes me feel like I'm going crazy, a crazy crazy mess. Yes I do have low self-esteem and so I want to hide from this world sometimes. Feelings of unworthiness is something I feel so often. Sometimes I know what I'm doing is good but somehow I'm just pestered by the haunting thoughts/feelings of wanting to just hide. Such a contradiction that it doesn't even make sense... Might as well end it here before this gets any further...maybe that's why I just don't write blogs anymore....
i feel so lost & confused all the time. what is wrong with me? there are times i think i'm on the right track, the right kind of mindset. but perhaps seconds, days, weeks, months later i start to feel like i'm off track again. i've been really moody this week. and honestly i hate it when i'm moody because i have a hard time concentrating on things. but i try to force myself to focus anyway because i know i need to.
i think i realized something just now though. i tend to assume a lot of things as much as i don't like people doing that, but i guess i do that too. i assume that in a story where there are two sides, i tend to assume the intention or the actions done on the other side is what i think it is when really it might not be. early last week when i hung out with a friend of mine for breakfast and came back home to talk, he was explaining to me that i should really stop thinking for the other side, stop deciding what the other side wants or doesn't want. isn't it strange though? we tend to think for the other side what they want be it family, friendship, or relationships. instead of discussing, we think we know the best answer for them. maybe that's why i tend to place myself into the position where i start to think a lot. maybe even to the point that it's way overboard but i still don't stop thinking then even if i realize it's way overboard. i guess i've always been like that. it's not something that can't be changed, but i guess it's more of whether or not i'm really truly willing to change that. i honestly have no clue.
so yes i HAVE been thinking a lot about a lot of things that have been happening. sometimes i find myself feeling so upset that i just don't want to even get out of my house. i don't really want to eat, don't want to talk, don't want to see anybody, even my family. but i know that's not the right kind of thing to do, so i try to get myself out and have a breath of fresh air. and yet when i do, i know it's seen as 'going out too much' to my mom. don't know how to satisfy her ever, so sometimes i don't want to make that compromise anymore when i know i'm doing important things. but i know i still need to respect her, she just needs to realize that there's a borderline between respect and going way overboard with restrictions.
my thoughts are all over the place with everything, and i don't know where to continue so i guess that's it!
how many people have ever considered life and death situations? how many people have thought of where they will be if it was the end of their lives? how many people have actually thought of ending their lives?
i for one have thought many times before of ending my life...scary thought, i know...but i've had such thoughts many times before when i was younger. as a kid...can't quite recall since when. all i know is that i've always felt out of place and that i just didn't belong anywhere. my only source of comfort was my maternal grandmother. but i guess the fact that she got through all the things she went through really encouraged me. she had her religion & spiritual walk that really helped her pull through so much, which has encouraged me to look towards. i've never really been the most secure or more confident person. nor am i totally either one of the above at the moment. but i guess over the years i've learnt to be to a certain degree... but still i have my insecurities & i'm just unsure of myself for a lot of situations. sometimes my friends mention that i can be 'mean' in a joking way to certain people in certain situations. but i guess when i give the whole picture, my whole reason as to why i've done things the way i have, it comes down to the fact that i'm just an insecure person. i fear that i'll hurt people and i fear that people have the wrong impression of me and then in the end will realize that i'm not actually the person they thought i was. and i guess to a certain degree i still think that way. it's not like i intentionally try to be someone else that people would want me to be, but i fear that i do that unintentionally....
jumping to a tangent i guess...this year started off rough or maybe the last year also ended rough. but a lot of people around me, some i know, some i don't know, some are friends of friends have been having health issues. i get really tense in these situations. life is just so fragile and things can slip by so easily. so at that point, do we press on and move forward or do we dwell? but is there not a lesson out of every situation we go through? even if it's a rough and seemingly 'unfair' lesson? but who are we to say that it is 'unfair' when the underlying lesson is for us to grow? but i suppose it's dependent on the way we weigh things..we tend to put a value to things, weighing certain things heavier than others b/c we cherish some things more than others. where do we draw the line? or do we draw the line? do we all have our insecurities but try not to show it b/c it'll reflect that we're weak? but what's wrong w/ admitting that we're weak when the fact that we're all actually weak to a certain degree? we're humans afterall right?
i guess i've really thought about life & death a lot especially over this past month. i've even talked about it w/ my sunday school class. well the guys anyway b/c we split off our class that week. so where DO we go? i guess if you ask for the christian point of view, it's either heaven or hell right? sliding in the fact that there's also judgment day! of course nobody is perfect but we strive to be better....ok maybe i won't ramble on about that!
so why am i writing about this? i'm not too sure... i guess on saturday i had my injuries & i've been feeling kind of strange physically but nothing major really. it should go away soon...and i guess when i came home for the injury on saturday i was wondering if i should sleep 'cuz i feeling tired but then i also had a slight fear that if i fall asleep, will i not be able to wake up? has anyone ever thought about that? it's kind of scary...what if you get stuck in a coma or what if you just don't wake up b/c you're 'gone'...what kind of mark have you left on this earth? what have you done for other people? what was your purpose on earth? how will the people you knew feel? of course you wouldn't want them to be stuck in the moment of feeling sorrow & mourning...you would want them to be happy & to live a purposeful life!
will they remember you for the bad situations? or appreciate the kind of person you were? will they remember you for the rest of their life or would they forget you in a matter of months or years? would they force themselves to forget or would their memory become faulty b/c they miss you so much, to the point that their memory can no longer retain memories of you?
i do love my family & friends...i'm thankful for them too...and maybe i'm not the best person that can express things i feel, but i DO feel emotions that's for sure. i know i get into a lot of conflict. sometimes they can be kind of random too. and sometimes there may be some kind of misunderstanding also, but sometimes i think that maybe these misunderstanding happened for a reason. but at the same time, i always wonder if maybe in the future i would have a chance to directly explain to people why i've done certain things a certain way and then they would come to understand better that i didn't mean for things to turn out the way it did. maybe i don't make much sense b/c i'm pretty vague but i can think of many situations all at the same time which i guess i've just generalized here.
all in all, life is fragile - cherish it! conflicts can be said to be inevitable, but try to learn to resolve them as much as possible. be patient! learn to love those around you, even if it's hard! isn't that what love is? love can conquer. alright i'm lame i know, but you know what i mean!
yes, a much random post of mine!
11:12pm: whenever i wrote in my journals in the past, i've always had that strange thought that it'd be my last words... but i've discarded those old journals b/c i've felt that they were such immature silly thoughts. although some were thoughts of situations that deeply impacted me. but they've been shredded and recycled by now. i only have 1 actual journal that i write in now, but i haven't really done much of that...guess i'm just not in that habit of writing....
